Before you stop reading, thank you. From the very bottom of my heart.
If you're content with just that, cool. If you're not, read on. I'll talk a bit about myself.
You've (probably) been there for some time. You watched me, and you saw what I had to offer. You probably thought something along the lines of "hey, that's cool. I wonder if he'll do anything like that in the future" and then I screwed you over.
Sorry for that.
There were three times I gained a significant amount of subscribers.
Both of these were my paranoia acting up.
Do you care? Read on.
My second best (or first best, according to viewcount) was Derpy
- a spur of the moment comic I did when the whole "is it okay to call her Derpy" discussion started. I made it because I sincerely thought that you should not go back on anything you say. Sure, you can later say it was a mistake and you'd say something different now, but the point is that you should stand by your world
- which I felt the MLP's creators didn't.
Today, somewhat older, I feel it's okay to admit your failure.
It's fine to say you screwed up and you hope you can take some certain step back. But I didn't, back then.
The third thing that made my viewer count was my cinemagraphs
. Basically, I screwed around with SVG animation, and right around that time, ~K-Blak
asked me to make a thing for him. I've always loved the cinema. I adored how a single scene can relate the feeling of a thousand pages - and I wished I could do that in a single image as well.
That's where Warmth - and all other cinemagraphs - came from. The only thing I wanted to do was to capture a specific idea, feeling, and a moment. After all, a moment can be forever.
In my mind, I imagined a world where people (ponies) would come to someone desiring a specific memory to be captured. Just like when you want someone to snap a photo at your wedding, only retroactively. Just as my procedure seemed tedious and specific, the pony's procedure would. Why? Because each image was to encompass not only the visuals, but also the feeling of the scene. Personality, history, ambiguity, all of that.
I tried to build a whole thing around it while battling my own demons.
And you know what?
I loved it.
I made cinemagraphs, and I enjoyed them. Each picture is an experiment into a different kind of animation. Each shows a different array of emotion, a different scene, a different story.
That's what I love.
The reason MLP captured me was because it offered a world of interpretation, at least to me. I am a person who simply can't believe in universal good. I don't trust a benevolent ruler. I don't think a utopia is possible.
That's why I made Derpy. I saw a story of a little pony; being retro-actively erased by forces far beyond its own understanding. Was it okay with it?
And the Curse of Blue Blood? I simply didn't understand a world where Celestia would not doubt herself. I couldn't imagine a world where Twilight Sparkle was the first and only best student. Celestia is over a thousand years old. It simply did not fit. And it still doesn't now.
In Curse if Longevity, I explored the theme of death again, but a bit closer to something a real person could imagine. It still fills me with shivers when I read it.
Why did I do it?
Because I had to.
I may be paranoid. I may be insane. But there's one thing I know - when I watch MLP, when I read books, when I see the world, I don't just see the mundane. I see adult themes masquaraded as simple tales. There are truths behind each movement, grimace, word. The story is not in the creator, it's in the viewer.
I know I'm insane.
But I still can't deny my way.
I have a whole universe built around the idea the show only shows a little bit of what's really there.
I know I'm insane.
From a reasonable angle, there's no point in a complex ideology behind a simple kid's show. I know I'm merely projecting.
Still, I can't stop.
I have to think about all kind of weird things. And not just about the show, mind you.
What I was trying to get to was that I no longer feel images can relate my thoughts. I want to write, and I've been writing - albeit just for myself - for more than two years. This is one of the reasons I can't keep up with any requests and commissions.
The second is the fact that I've been battling severe depression for the past year or so.
Each time I've said I had personal stuff and other stuff. Each time I took a week to finish a simple trace, that's been it.
I'm questioning my life. My purpose. All that stuff.
At the best of time, it's just that.
Even writing this is draining me.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
I want to make you all cinemagraphs. Your own ponies acting in quirky ways. I want to make you smile for two seconds, before you simply close the tab.
I love each of you.
Thank you, for being there as a part of a motivation for me to go on.
I'm sorry it's not enough to go on.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.